‘Your actions tell me how you feel not your words. Tonight when we were in your office with Nikki, you said that she was making me doubt your love for me.’ Felicia turned to face me again. ‘I had never doubted it until that very moment. I feel like you were only proclaiming your love for her benefit and it made me feel cheap. It made me feel insignificant, like our private relationship needed justification. It didn’t matter that I had been laying there in pain moments earlier. It was more important for you to prove a point to your secretary. I had to watch you humiliate her to make yourself feel better yet here we sit with the same problems. Saying I love you doesn’t mean that you do.’ There was an awkward silence because I didn’t know what to say. I was actually feeling guilty for how I acted tonight at the party and sorry that I didn’t listen to her in the first place and skip the damn function all together. As usual it was my ego. I had wanted everyone to see me receive that. It is bad at Christmas, worse in the months that follow. On Valentine's Day, the office was ablaze with red and pink as every partner tried desperately to show their "love" with overenthusiastic and flamboyant displays of flowers, cards, balloons and chocolates. Perhaps they just wanted to have sex later and had concluded that an opulent show of love would make their lovers more compliant. I tried to remember what I did for my wife, but couldn't. All I knew, is what everyone could see, was that my desk was bare.The girls didn't draw attention to it, but they knew and they whispered and I did my best to ignore them. Everyone knew I had no-one, I'd had had no-one for five years. I tried in vain to see a prostitute once, but as the cheerful beauty massaged my back with her firm, supple hands, my mind wandered back to my wife. On a cold slab in the morgue looking up at me. I couldn't do it, what would my Maggie say if she could see me? Was I really that desperate? I fumbled for a generous.
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